


Attitude Makeover

by Offbrand_Valk



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Mean Girls (2004), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Crossover, F/F, Homophobic Language, Post-Canon, School Reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-27
Updated: 2016-05-27
Packaged: 2018-07-10 14:48:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6989827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Offbrand_Valk/pseuds/Offbrand_Valk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of Mean Girls, Regina didn't take up Lacrosse, she went to Westpoint. After that, Regina slowly transformed until she couldn't in good faith call herself Regina George anymore, so she took a new name: Maria Hill.</p>
<p>10 years later she receives an invitation for the reunion at Northshore High.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Attitude Makeover

“Hill? Regina George? Name rings any bells?” 2 spies sharing an apartment, meant that letters actually addressed to them was more suspicious, than letters being sent to a long list of aliases. “Shit, who's it from?” Came the exasperated reply from the kitchen, where Natasha's roommate/it's-complicated was busy making them an early brunch. “Northshore high alumni network, looks like an invitation to a reunion.”

 

The Black Widow busied herself with feeding Liho, the feral cat that tended to hang out in their apartment whenever the stars aligned and either of them was home. From the way Hill looked at the letter, Natasha was getting slightly worried, the reason their “whatever they had” worked, was because both parties understood that work was more important than each other. However they had looked forward to actually having a weekend for themselves, and now it was being interrupted by a needlessly complex encrypted message. Natasha took it on the chin, while resorting herself to a weekend on the couch playing pinball on her tablet and cuddling Liho. Granted that was what she was going to do anyway, but now she would have to do it without her headrest.

 

To her surprise Maria just put the letter down when she was done reading it, and got back to frying turkey bacon in one pan, and crepes in the other. “So… it's not an encoded message about world security ruining our weekend?” The hopeful redhead asked, while she washed and cut the fruits. “Nope, something much worse. An invitation to my highschool reunion.” AD Maria “fractured-spine-is-not-an-excuse-for-tardiness” Hill answered, only half joking.

 

They sat down by the oaken table, taking a moment to enjoy the quiet meal, before picking up the conversation. “I did remember something about a name change in your file, figured it wasn't important, being unclassified and all. Care to enlighten me?” Hill waved her fork around, like she was doing a presentation, though the tone was less loud-and-clear than when she was at work. “Not much to tell, didn't feel like the same person after Westpoint, as I was in high school, so I changed my name to fit with the rest. Dads still angry about it, but dad's an ass.” Natasha spoke around the toast in her mouth, because to a seductress, nothing meant home like talking with your mouth full. “Can't just leave it at that Hill, I gotta have details, you know I'll get them somehow, so might as well talk.”

 

Maria pulled a face somewhere between a frown and a smile, she hadn't thought about that part of her life, since before she joined S.H.I.E.L.D. “where do I even start? I used to bleach my hair and pretend it was my natural hair colour. I was obsessed with pink, and wore heels to school. Used to lead the most plastic-y mean girl squad you've ever seen, we had rules for what clothes were allowed on what days. Did I mention I pretended to be straight? Even had myself fooled for a while.” The black widow slammed her cup into the table, mimicking a certain god of thunder. “That does it, we're going, I need to meet the people who knew cheerleader-Hill.” Maria feigned shock. “Cheerleading!? Are you crazy!? That would make me all sweaty and disgusting!”

 

* * *

 

They had spent the last 3 days travelling around the American north east, checking up on S.H.I.E.L.D. safehouses, and bases, while occasionally scaring the life out of a mouthy recruit. But now they were on their way to Northshore. The Black Widow had spent last night trying out covers, to find one she felt “jelled” with Maria's personality. It had taken half an hour of using the voice that left junior agents crying within 4 minutes, to convince her not to go as Natya Rodchenko, the 22 year old ukranian lingerie model. In the end she went as Nadiné Roche, ex foreign legionnaire, turned celebrity bodyguard, and very possessive of her American girlfriend.

 

On the road into town, they came across a car, and a very tan, very distressed redhead standing next to it. Ever the good samaritan, Hill pulled the car over, and the pair got out, toolkit in hand, and approached the redhead. Along the way Natasha wrapped her arm protectively around Maria's waist, it was weird, Nat didn't normally do anything even resembling PDA's, but Nadiné on the other hand seemed very focused on making sure the world knew whom Maria was with. It would be wrong to say that the brunettes heart skipped a beat, when she recognized the tanned redhead, nothing short of a nuclear launch could do that to her, but she was definitely affected by meeting her old arch-nemesis.

 

* * *

 

 

Cady Heron wasn't having a great day. Granted, it wasn't as bad as the time the orphanage was attacked by guerilla fighters, but few days were.

 

Her first day back in America in 10 years had gone so well, her dad had picked her up at the airport, then they'd driven into town to meet up with her mom and eat dinner together at a relaxed, yet fancy restaurant. The next day she had borrowed the car so she could meet up with Janis and the others before the reunion, but then on the road into town, the engine had huffed and puffed, and fallen flat on it's face, leaving Cady very stuck, and very much at her wits end.

 

Then another car stopped a bit further down the road, and out came her salvation in the shape of 2 women carrying a tool kit. The shorter one had a head of scarlet red hair, and looked both dainty and powerful. Everything about the taller one screamed military, from her steeltoes and strictly utilitarian jeans, all the way to her tightly controlled brown-ish ponytail. Though Cady couldn't shake the feeling there was something familiar about the way the brunette marched towards her.

 

“Engine trouble?” The woman, who Cady was sure was a marine, asked in a friendly tone, with only a hint of her commanding presence. “Yeah, I don't know what happened, one minute it was fine, the next all the lights were flashing red, and it wouldn't move.” The pair was already unpacking their tools, well aware what Cady was going to answer when the taller one asked. “Mind if we take a look under the hood?”

 

As the 2 women were rummaging around under the hood of her car, it occurred to the teacher from Africa, that the 2 women might be romantically engaged. She based the idea on the way the pair so naturally brushed up against each other when they worked, and how their relationship seemed utterly devoid of the competitive edge she was so used to among western women. Moments later, this suspicion was confirmed as the brunette turned to the redhead and said. “Nadiné , honey, would you mind getting me the jumper cables.” Which was the kind of thing Janis used to say to scare plastics away with.

 

3 minutes later the woman, Nadiné, closed the hood of the car, while the marine lady looked to Cady. “Try and see if she won't turn on now.” She said, smiling a humble, genuine smile. And turn on the car did, in fact Cady wasn't sure the car had ever run so smoothly. The 2 women look at each other in approval, and began walking back to the car. “Wait, won't you let me buy you guys coffee or something as thanks?” The smaller woman leaned closer into her girlfriend, and looked questioningly at her cheekbones. “Oh no, it's fine, we don't want to impose, besides we need to check into our hotel.” The brunette answered. They all smiled apologetically at each other. “Northshore high reunion?” Cady hazarded a guess, she couldn't think of many other reasons why people would want to visit the most average city south of the border. The brunette nodded in confirmation, while the fauxhawked redhead dragged her away. “Regina, babe, we should really get going.”

 

* * *

 

Janis couldn't remember the last time she had worn a dress, nor for that matter shaved her legs, but she had still done both for tonight. She wasn't even that excited for the reunion, but Cady was coming back from Africa, and Damian was taking time off from his job as a Hollywood hairstylist, so the least she could do was put in enough effort to look like it mattered to her. She had looked forward to getting the whole gang back together for the afternoon, before they would go to her own personal hell, and sit awkwardly in a corner while eating cheap chips for a couple of hours.

 

Her morning had been ruined by 5am when her fiancé, Kevin, had to hurry to work, because no one told the interns, that the soundboards worth 5000 a piece couldn't handle rain. The day only got worse when Damians flight got cancelled, and he'd have to meet them at the reunion. She wasn't even surprised when Cady called to ask if she could come pick her up, since her car had broken down on the way into town. What she was surprised by, was the call that followed 20 minutes later, just as she had managed to coordinate a rescue plan with Kevin, who would still be at work another 2 hours blow drying expensive electronics.. “Don't go anywhere, I just had my car fixed by the nicest lesbian couple, I'll be there in 15. TTFN.” Janis frowned at her phone, did Cady seriously just TTFN her, she might have to start referring to the white African as her BFF, just to get back at her.

 

“Janis, did we have any Regina's or Nadiné's in our year?” Not exactly what Janis had imagined Cady's first word spoken to her face in 10 years would have been, then again, ever since that year, Cady seemed to have put in a conscious effort not to think about what she said. “Nope, can't think of any Regina's in our year, especially not one we spent a year trying to destroy.” She wasn't blaming the ginger for having repressed her time as a plastic, snark was just her default setting. “Okay did we have a lesbian Regina who knew how to fix cars in our year?”

 

* * *

 

“Name please.” “Maria Hill” Damian frowned, name didn't sound familiar, but if you were going to crash a reunion, why would you come up and ask for a name tag. “Sorry Maria, can't find you on the list.” Maria Hill sighed, she looked positively fierce in a simplistic, high end dress, that perfectly matched her aggressive pixie girl plus one. “I had a name change in my 20's, my old name was on the invitation. Try to check for Regina George.” The unbelievably gay man had to do a double take. “Nice try Maria, but rumour has it, the queen bee might still make an appearance, and I'm not getting in her way.” He looked down to his spreadsheet to do a double check, but immediately felt a glare burning a hole right through here. He would look up, but couldn't muster the courage to meet Maria Hill's eyes. “I, am, not, joking.” There was something in that commanding tone, Damian couldn't tell if he actually believed it was Regina, or if he was just afraid of being court-martialed, but Maria Hill got the Regina George name tag.

 

In the other end of the hall, Janis bitch sense was suddenly tingling. It seemed she was the only one able to recognize Regina, but she also had the advantage of knowing that though she hid the information well, blonde was not Regina's natural hair colour. She marched right up to her, and her newest minion (who sorta looked like a smaller, more european plastic-Cady), and it was almost like it hadn't been 15 years since 'Gina disappeared off the face of the earth. “Hey slut, fancy seeing you here, made it across the sidewalk all right?”

 

The brunette turned blonde turned brunette, laughed at her, not the bitchy kind, the pretend-we're-friends kind. “Good to see you too Janis, and thanks for the concern, but the only injury I can rock at the moment is a mostly healed broken leg.” So she wanted to play hard, by pretending nothing was wrong between them? Well Janis could play hard. What was that look the plastic sidekick was giving her? “Careful Gina, don't wanna come to close, you might catch a case of the dyke!” At which point Regina Fucking George, spun around to her sidekick, leant in close to her face, and then made out with the redhead for all the world to see. “Sorry Janis, you're 10 years too late, I think it's terminal.”

 

Regina George was gay. Regina George was gay! Janis had never had a problem with gay people, but Regina George couldn't be gay. Regina George worried about her pores, and had her nails done, and, and, stole peoples boyfriends for crying out loud. But there she was, expensive dress, designer shoes, and complicated braid, with her girlfriend on her arm.

 

Just as Janis was beginning her mental breakdown, Cady came to her rescue, all sunshines and rainbows, like she'd just fallen off the boat from Africa all over. “Hey Janis, I see you've met Nadiné and Regina. To be honest I don't really recognize either of you from Northshore.” Janis was afraid she might start hyperventilating, while Regina pointed at herself and explained. “Guilty as charged, though my name isn't really Regina anymore, it's Maria, Maria Hill.” The 2 shook hands as Mariagina apologetically explained. “I can understand why you're confused, my girlfriend just recently found out about my old name, and now insists on using it like it's didn't go out of style ages ago.” With this, Regina/Maria's girlfriend more or less climbed up the side of her much taller girlfriend, and kissed her on the cheek. “Seems I'm not the only one babe.” Having another body clinging to her side didn't seem to faze the brunette the slightest. “Don't mind her, she's french, this is just how she shows her affection. You guys wanna find a place to sit down?”

 

Not 5 minutes later, Nadiné spat her drank all over Cady. “You mean to tell me, that Maria Hill, THE Maria Hill, used to participate in a talent show as santa's slutty helper? Do you have pictures, actually never mind that. Maria if you get a new slutty elf costume, you won't have to buy me presents again til I'm 60.” The innocent redhead made a confused frown at the Russian pretending to be French. “Maria once talked terrorist out of a hostage situation, over the phone, they came out of the building in tears. She recites military doctrines in her sleep. And if Daisy Johnson from operation is to be believed, she starts her day with a bowl rusty nails with motor oil.” The red headed assassin explained

 

* * *

 

Nad and Maria were considering leaving early, when they were practically ambushed by 2 women. One was a fair bit more tan than the other. The darker skinned one had wavy hair, and a beautiful smile, the lighter one had strikingly flat hair, and a warm smile. “Maria, it's been so long.” Natasha frowned internally, she had spent the last hour pretending to be interested in 4 people, of the type she normally pretended to be at work. Not to mention that she had really looked forward to a glass of wine in a hotel room, and then sleeping in the next day. “Gretchen, Karen, It’s been so long.” Damn, she wasn’t faking it, Maria was genuinely happy to see a civilian.

 

“Babe, who are these people? Your ex's?” The black widow asked, using a voice that was both cutesy and slightly threatening. “Well we certainly called each other girlfriend for what it's worth, but no, me and Karen are both straight, and very platonic.” The tan woman smiled, while the blonde seemed to struggle with following. “What does platonic mean Gretch?” “That we're not fucking” “Yes we are.” “Not each other smartypants.” “Oh.” The doe eyed, girl seemed to leave her mouth open for a bit too long, as if her brain needed time to catch up and archive the new word.

 

In the meantime, the ex-mean girl had managed to direct the group over into a more quiet corner by sheer force of personality. “So, Maria, sorry if I'm a bit behind one news, but did you get into the marines? You did kinda cut us all off.” Karen tried very hard not to sound offended, but she had clearly been missing her old role-model. “I'm sorry guys, I was just. So tired of thinking about what people thought about me. So when I changed, I changed for good.” The brunette rested her hands, on top of her old friend's hands, in a manner completely uncharacteristic for Maria “Just-cauterize-it-and-move-along” Hill. “Oh Maria, we knew you were gay ever since Cady. I mean, you were like Shane Oman, when he was trying to get into your skirt.” The blonde replied in what might well be her trademark, obliviously, cheery manner.

 

Before the conversation had time to turn down an awkward path, Gretchen, with experienced ease butted in. “So, Ivy league didn't really work out for me, to the surprise of nobody but me and dad.” The gang and Natasha smiled. “I'm sorry to hear that, how did he take it?” the tanned hipster took a moment to adjust her leather jacket, to better show off her colourful dress, and sip her middle shelf beer. “The inventor of toaster-strudel took it as well as can be expected. It was a wake-up call for me though, so now I live off my own, and Karen's, money.” With that, the straight haired girl, in a knitted coat, lightly slapped her friend on the shoulder. “Don't make it sound like that! I work a lot because I enjoy it. Why not spend the money on a larger apartment?” Nadine excused herself to steal some cupcakes.

 

Having reconnected and exchanged phone numbers, with 2 of her best and only true friends, the night has been a lot better than Maria had expected it to be. She was just doing her rounds as a courtesy before she went home. When she was accosted by Aaron Samuels of all people. “Hey… Regina, or I guess it's Maria now.” Her and her last ex-boyfriend had separated under, unconventional, conditions, and she wasn't sure where she had him. So Hill made sure to answer in her most neutral voice. “I'm doing fine Aaron. Sorry to cut it short, but me and Nad were just leaving.”

 

Aaron Samuels looked like a burnout rockstar, except without the cash and very limited recognition, it was impossible to tell if he was wearing his football jacket sincerely, or ironically. “Oh? That's fine, lets blow this joint and get some real booze.” Who was this guy? Did he seriously think that worked outside of freshman college girls? “Thanks, but no thanks Aaron, me and Nadiné are fine by ourselves.” With that she turned around, and marched towards the door. “Look, I know you've gone around, and told everyone you've gone gay. But c'mon we both know that's not true. Just give me a chance, and I'm sure we can work things out.” Wow, that was impressively pathetic, even for a civilian, Maria didn't dignify it with a response.

 

Until Natasha leaned in with a mischievous smile on her face. “Sweetie, you really should give him a chance, I mean, you've worked with more hopeless cases.” Hill had never been one for creative disciplinary actions, extra push-ups and extra stones in the bags normally did the job just fine, without introducing an unhealthy middle school gym class attitude. Occasionally though, she saw the advantage of making the punishment match the crime. With a suspicious smile plastered on her face, she turned around to face Aaron. “Okay Aaron, but you know, I have standards. So show me that you're at least worth my time.” Then she got her service pistol out, removed the magazine, disassembled it, and lay the parts on a table, all in the span of about 5 seconds. “Please assemble this for me. 45 seconds. Time starts now.”

 

“Oh shit!” The self proclaimed 'pinnacle of masculinity', just had time to exclaim, before he began fumbling with the different parts of the gun. Exactly 45 seconds later, he had almost managed to figure out which way on the handle was up, when Hill tore the gun from his hands, put it back on the table and roared into his face. “WHAT THE HELL ROOKIE! HAD THIS BEEN A COMBAT SITUATION THIS ENTIRE ROOM WOULD ALREADY BE DEAD!” While drilling him, she quickly reassembled her gun and put it back in it's holster, never breaking eye contact. “IF THE AVERAGE RECRUIT WAS HALF AS DUMB AS YOU, THERE WOULD BE NO FREE WORLD LEFT TO PROTECT!” She continued chewing him out, long enough to leave him whimpering, though not long enough for the entertainment value to wear off.

 

On the way out, Natasha lightly slapped her ass. “You'll get some too if you're not careful Roche.” The “Frenchwoman” mimicked a proper soldier, speaking loud and clearly. “That's what I'm hoping for commander Hill!” She said as the pair walked off into the night.

 

* * *

 

It was a mostly spontaneous idea. Maria didn't think highly of her family, and she could probably name several 1000 people who's death would affect her more than any of her family members. Kylie was the exception to that rule. As a kid Maria had adored her baby sister, and her chubby cheeks. As a teen Maria hadn't cared for her sister outside of making sure she didn't enter her room. Her parents had made it very clear how they felt about Maria's career choice, and Kylie had gotten caught in the crossfire. Maria felt she at least owed her sister and attempt to reconnect after 10+ years of alienation.

 

Kylie had suggested starbucks, but Maria had convinced her to go for sushi, this was her weekend off and she wanted to indulge herself in at least one good meal, before she went back on the mess hall diet for the next month or more. Natasha had asked to join, but Hill had shot her down, so now she was off doing whatever she did in her spare time, that wasn't “The annoy Maria Hill, until she takes you up on your offer for drinks, game.”

 

“So…” Kylie said, carefully dissecting a piece of salmon with her eyes. “How's the family doing?” Hill replied. Simple and safe question, but left room for deeper conversation, or if nothing else, shit talking their mom. “Fine, I guess, dad's still dad, and mom tells everyone you married a Japanese CEO and live on a French winecastle.” Working as a second in command for the worlds most powerful intelligence agency had left Maria very sensitive to half truths (“advanced interogation” lessons with Phil Coulson, probably hadn't helped matters). There was something bothering her sister, but for now she would wait and see if it came naturally. “Well, that's progress, last time I checked it was a European prince and I lived on my own island.” Kylie chuckled, finally deciding on a piece of sushi from her dish. “How about you? Did you become a marine like you wanted to?” Kylie gracefully picked her food off the plate, and held her hand in front of her mouth while eating, Maria was no savage chewing with her mouth open, but military life didn't leave you thinking too hard about how others saw you during lunch. “Affirmative, also did a tour of duty. Then came home and got a job with S.H.I.E.L.D.” When she finished chewing, Kylie smiled and looked up at her. “Cool, what do you do with the men in black, or is it one of those: _if-you-tell-me-you-have-to-kill-me_ things _?_ ” Most people would probably have bought the enthusiasm in Kylie's voice, most people didn't live with (literally) the worlds best liar. “Nah, it's mostly just paperwork, plus occasionally having to yell at assholes who fashion themselves _a loose cannon, that_ _plays by their own rules_ _but_ _gets results._ ” Kylie's gentle laugh was what gave Maria the epiphany, it wasn't work she recognized the tells from, it was their mom's old “fake it until you believe it” routine. “What do you with those people?” “Have them swim midnight laps in the Potomac river.”

 

They continued idly chatting like that through their lunch, only as Kylie started making eyes towards the door, did Maria decide to press the issue. “Are you going to tell me what's bothering you or hope it fixes itself?” Kylie froze, then stuttered her way through a suspicious accusation. “What… what makes you think, there's something wrong, with me?” The commander wasn't smug, though she did almost revert to her regular scolding voice. “Sis, please. I have to hold monthly lectures on S.H.I.E.L.D. fraternisation policies. I smell shame and half truths at a range normally reserved for spy-satellites.” Kylie took a moment to prepare herself, loudly slurping her soda as she did so. “Remember how you asked me how it was going? Well that's the problem, I'm not going anywhere… Seriously I've spent the last 5 years trying to decide between studying law, compsci, or theater, and I've gotten no closer to a conclusion. Dad isn't helping, he just keeps yelling about not becoming a disappointment like you. Mom's even worse: _oh you just need to find the right guy, and then you'll know what to do_.” Maria leaned forward in a comforting gesture, probably a bit too close to the stance she used informing newly widowed women of their husbands final fate. “Look Kylie, I'll be honest, I don't know you well enough to tell you what I think you should do. What I can tell you, is what made me figure out who I am, and that was putting a couple 100 clicks between me, and this fucking town. I'm not saying go send your application to the S.H.I.E.L.D. academies, just that, if push comes to shove, I've got a couch and some spare blankets.”

 

Nat was probably going to kill her for offering to let a civilian into the black widows personal sanctum, but Maria figured it was only fair that for once she be the one to ask forgiveness rather than permission.

 

* * *

 

“Hey Kylie, I was thinking, my roomies having a party, and the coffee shop closes early due to some pagan holiday, would it be possible we had our 2 man study group at your place for once?”

 

“No can do Sam, visitors have to be declared 3 weeks in advance, those are the rules, I just follow them.”

 

“Wait don't your parents live like 6 states away or something? Who's rules are they?”

 

“My sister's, she despises strangers, and her girlfriend's even worse, she nearly shot me one time I came home late after a night out.”

 

“That's rough man, part-time data entry really can't get you anything better?”

 

“No it's great! Both of them are military, and like super overworked so most of the time, me and the cat has the house to ourselves. Plus I get to tag along on their government issue gym memberships, and be taught self defence by a guy I'm pretty sure fought in world war 2.”


End file.
